


Assessing the Hargreeves siblings' canonical relationships

by Shadowscast_meta (Shadowscast)



Series: Musings and Speculations about The Umbrella Academy [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Meta, Nonfiction, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29805894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowscast/pseuds/Shadowscast_meta
Summary: Nonfiction, just for fun.  I list all of the Hargreeves siblings' known romantic relationships (as of the end of S2), and assess their success levels.
Series: Musings and Speculations about The Umbrella Academy [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929661
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10
Collections: March Meta Matters Challenge





	Assessing the Hargreeves siblings' canonical relationships

**Author's Note:**

> This post had its start while I was in the shower, idly trying to decide how much credit I want to give The Umbrella Academy for its canonical same-sex relationships, given that Dave dies and Sissy gets left behind in the past. I mean, I am super stoked that there were canonical same-sex relationships! But, ending in tragedy, y'know? But then I thought about the rest of the relationships that any of the siblings have, and the kind of curve that we're grading on, and I've got to say, Dave and Sissy both do pretty well against the class average.

Let us now contemplate all of the Hargreeves siblings' known canonical relationships, in roughly descending order by length of relationship. Here we go!

Five/Delores: Lasted 30+ years. Overall success: um, he does seem pretty devoted to her. Downside: she's a mannequin.

Allison/Patrick: Somewhere between 4 and 8 years, probably? Overall success: they got married and had a kid. Downside: Allison may have mind-controlled Patrick into falling in love with her. And he files for divorce when he catches her mind-controlling their daughter.

Diego/Eudora: No clue how long it lasted. Maybe a few months, maybe a few years? Overall success: we don't really have any info, here. Downside: they broke up, presumably because of Diego's many flaws. (I mean, that's just me interpreting! But he clearly still has feelings for her, and they are not together, so.) And then she gets killed due to getting involved in his family's problems, ouch!

Allison/Ray: About a year and a half-ish, depending on when you start counting from. Overall success: they got married, did civil rights activism, and were generally adorable together. Downside: he chooses to stay behind in 1963 (to continue the important work!).

Klaus/Dave: Ten months, or somewhat less if you count from the kiss at the bar. But c'mon, let's count from the "I'm Dave" on the bus. Overall success: this was the love of Klaus's life. Downside: Dave's gruesome death at the end of it.

Vanya/Sissy: A month, if you count from when Sissy hit Vanya with the car, or a few days, if you count from the kiss. Overall success: they seemed to like each other a lot. Downside: Sissy chooses to stay behind in 1963 (mostly due to worries about her kid being collateral damage if Vanya gets attacked by time assassins in the future, I think, which is fair).

Klaus/Osso Buco Man: Three weeks. Overall success: Klaus got a place to sleep for three weeks, and presumably at least one delicious meal. Downside: Klaus was just in it for the roof over his head.

Vanya/Leonard (Harold): Five days. Overall success: he gets her to smile a few times. Downside: he's a serial killer who is lying to her and manipulating her and planning to use her to destroy her family, who he obsessively hates. Also, she kills him.

Diego/Lila: Four days, counting from the asylum escape to the point where Five discovers Lila's working with the Handler. Overall success: they have some _hot_ moments together (that dance at the embassy!) and seem to be genuinely into each other. Downside: she's an assassin who is lying to him and manipulating him and planning to use him to get to his family, who she tries to kill. (Oh, Hargreeves siblings. Are we sensing a pattern here?)

Luther/One Night Stand From Rave: About 8(?) hours. Overall success: Luther finally gets to be intimate with someone. Downside: honestly I just included this to get Luther on the board.

Ben/Jill: A couple of minutes. Overall success: nil. Downside: she thinks he's Klaus.

Oh, okay, and also:

Allison/Luther: zero days that were (and maybe an hour that wasn't). Overall success: does the dance even count if neither one of them remembers it? Downside: they're (adopted) siblings. Plus when calculating the length of relationship x overall success weight, you have to multiply by zero. Ouch!

Conclusion: depending on how you want to weight the factors of the length of the relationship, how good it was while it was going, and how badly it ended ... Klaus/Osso Buco Man may arguably be in the top 5 most successful relationships that any Hargreeves siblings are known to have had!


End file.
